Tentative Friendships
by Lillz
Summary: Fluff. AU, set during early CoH, ties into Reflections. TJ despairs of ever fixing the ships medical systems, and finds help in an unlikely place. The story of the beginnings -and untimely end- of a fragile friendship. C2 now up. friends and family
1. Unexpected Companionship

Don't you just love my inconsistencies? Have another fic! No, I haven't given up on Actions and Consequences, promise, it's just that this one appeared and wouldn't bloody well leave me alone. grrr. Not that you lot will be complaining! Also, Aftermath (which I discovered yesterday is actually the name of season 2's episode 2 (?). how totally cool is that! *dances* go me, go me!) was written on the spur of the moment a couple of weeks ago, which also interfered with AaC. Also there is another oneshot that is completely written and just waiting for me to post, but y'all can't have it yet, coz it ties into AaC near the end. Happily for you lot, not so happily for me, coz it's in the way of AaC, (tho I am actually enjoying writing this) this was meant to be a oneshot, but has turned into a multi chapter.

Oi! Edwina B. Karch! YOUR PM'ING IS TURNED OFF! rofl, this chapter is dedicated to her, coz I think she's actually going to hunt me down and hang me if I don't do something soon :-p

**Fluff warning!**

AU. Set primarily during the beginning of Circles of Hell but starting before, tying into both that fic and Reflection. You pretty much already know the shape this fic is gonna take, (have you been paying attention? Test at the end…!) but there was a lot of interest in seeing this, so here you go.

The story revolves around the lovely TJ and Rush, and the fragile beginnings of a friendship cruelly cut off before it really even has a chance. Hopefully a sweet little fic.

UK-English. :D all errors mine. AU belongs to me, and that's about it. The characters, ship, etc, belong to the amazing creators.

Can I have some reviews, you lovely lot? Kudos! xx

- - - - - o0o - - - - -

She slapped her palm against the confounding panel so hard that that it hurt. With a sharp hiss she drew back, shaking the offended hand and flexing her fingers. _Damn it!_ It was just so…frustrating! She wasn't even back at the start- she was worse off than before. Not having a clue as to what she was doing, she found herself working blind (although the word 'working' was used perhaps only in the loosest sense), and honestly, she seemed to cause more problems than she solved. Frustrated, she blew disarrayed wisps of blond hair from her eyes and glowered down at the smug console, which returned her glare with irritating indifference.

_That's it! That's the last straw! _At least she hadn't zapped herself this time. That had been a shock- no pun intended. She had been picking her way through this unit for days- _finally_ she'd thought she'd had some understanding of what it did, had persevered even when she somehow touched the wrong thing and wound up with blistered fingertips, and now, _now, _right when she'd found an interactive selection menu, the whole thing had gone ahead and died. Just like that. Dead. Only, it was worse than that- the two adjacent machines had also gone kaput.

It wasn't fair.

Clutching the edge of the unit with both hands, she slumped, head bowed, and quietly admitted defeat. Really, it was no surprise. _Honestly, what did I think I was doing?_ This was so far from her area of expertise, she was more likely to successfully attempt brain surgery than figure out what she was doing, particularly by trial and error. TJ sighed, making a decision. She hadn't wanted to disturb them knowing how busy they were, but really she had no choice. If it was expertise she wanted, she would have to speak to the scientists.

Straightening, the medic studied the mess she had inadvertently made, and her irritation flared anew. Aiming a parting kick at the base of the unit, she turned and stalked from the room; if machines had voices, she knew it'd be laughing at her.

_Well, we'll see who has the last laugh._

Her temper cooled as she walked _Destiny's_ corridors, and her pace slowed to a more gentle walk; she was being silly, she had to admit. _I'm just glad no one was there to witness that!_ She thought, ruefully. The last thing that needed to be spread around was that the ship's medic had thrown a tantrum, however mild. Her lips twitched in a smile at the image that arose and she allowed the quiet to soothe her, ease frayed nerves and lessen the tension in her slender frame. Checking to make sure she was alone, she reached out with her left hand and brushed lightly against the wall as she walked, feeling the textures in metal cold to her touch, the rise and dips of the uneven surface, things not immediately noticeable in the normal half-light. Closing her eyes, she moved slowly forward, guided by her fingers alone, listening to the sound of her footfalls, loud in the quiet. And there…she paused, pressed her hand firmly against the bulkhead and smiled fully. The barely discernable thrum of the ship, the pulse of _Destiny- _slight, shivery vibrations that you would never notice unless you went looking for them, and even then they were hard to find. She pulled herself back and looked around again, pleased to see she was still alone. Moving away, she continued her journey, calming herself further in the deep, welcome solitude the ship afforded her. There were times when the silence made her want to scream just to hear _something_, and other times, like now, when the silence was a relief. Really, with nearly eighty people onboard living in such a small area, it always surprised her that she didn't run into the others more often. _I guess they just keep to themselves._ Truly, though, not many would have need to be wandering this area of the ship. Arriving at her destination, TJ poked her head round the doorframe and blinked in mild bemusement- it was rare to find the Control Interface Room empty. It was generally a given that at least Doctor Rush would be here; the common consensus being: a- the man never slept, and: b- he lived in the Control Room. _I guess this refutes that theory, anyway._ She smiled again, amused. Well, that left very few places to check, and given the time of day (early evening) she guessed they would be in the Mess.

It didn't take long to reach it, though she could hear voices emanating from there long before she arrived. Cheers and whistles greeted her as she walked in, though it was immediately obvious she wasn't the cause. A crowd of mainly military personnel was gathered round a table, their attention focused solely on proceedings hidden from her. Slipping through the small, yet excited throng, she sighed at what she saw, amused and resigned in equal measure. _Let's hope they don't break anything. _Leaving Greer and Channing to their arm-wrestling contest, she moved away and approached the table she had initially aimed for. The 'nerd bench', she'd heard it called, and the moniker always made her frown. Gathered there were the ships' scientists and various doctorates, sans Doctor Rush, although that was no surprise. They'd taken the table early on, and had pretty much claimed it as their own- few people approached, and fewer still sat there. _Wouldn't want to associate with 'geeks', would we?_ She turned her scowl at the inappropriateness and pettiness of small-minded people into a smile for the occupant's benefit, and hoped it didn't seem as strained as it felt.

"TJ!"

Her smile became genuine as she looked at one of the youngest –and least likely- members of their mismatched crew. Eli Wallace was a delight. Though his childishness and naivety occasionally annoyed her, he had the unique ability to lift nearly any mood, and she was grateful far more often than not for his cheerfulness and exuberance. He was a treasure, and she truly hoped that being stuck on this ship did not dampen his enthusiasm or dull his curiosity. If nothing else, the exasperation he frequently caused Doctor Rush was comical. _TJ!_ She chided internally. Still, it was true. Admittedly, the Scottish scientist had little time for frippery, what with spending the vast majority of his waking hours bent over the consoles in the Control Room fighting a different kind of battle to keep them alive, but still- he was so _serious_ all the time, so caught up in his work. It wasn't good for him. He _really_ needed to take the time to laugh every now and again. _Like that'll happen._

She was both grateful and disappointed that the acerbic scientist wasn't present. They had their own tentative truce going on, strengthened by the times they had worked together and by the fact that she had tended him without judgement in those first days aboard the ship, and yet it was made shaky by the undeniable division that stood glaringly between them; she belonged to the military, to Young, and he belonged to…well, himself. Nicholas Rush, the army of one. Sometimes she wondered if he ever needed anyone else. He seemed to get by just fine on his own. His presence may well have smoothed the way for what she wanted, though- he would instantly recognise 'the greater good' of getting the medical systems up and running and would quite happily have arranged for the work to be done; of course, at the same time he was likely to be the biggest obstacle- it would have been in her favour that she was asking off her own back, rather than on behalf of the Colonel. He would probably have refused her just for the chance to irritate the commanding officer. _That man is so complicated. Who ever knows what he's going to do next?_ As he wasn't there, though, the point was largely moot.

"Hi guys," she greeted the group. Brody and Volker looked at her with vague interest; Franklin simply continued to stare morosely into his bowl. _I'll have to keep an eye on him._ He had been depressed and angry since Greer had shot him…so long ago, it seemed- and it was growing more pronounced. The Sergeant _had_ saved the man's life, had kept him from being stranded in this galaxy, and yet most of the time TJ felt the botanist would rather things were different; he seemed to wish he _had_ been left behind. She worried that it was only a matter of time before he did something foolish, and suppressed the shiver that slithered down her spine. Giving herself a mental shake, she turned back to the others.

"Wassup?" She rolled her eyes at the young man, though her lips twitched. Eli grinned.

"Well, I was wondering. The machines in the infirmary- I'd like to try and get them up and running. I'm sure they may come in handy in the future, and it'll be good to know what we have." She crossed her fingers behind her back, though the way Volker's attention seemed to drift wasn't terribly promising. Her stomach sank when she caught the sidelong look Brody and Franklin, who had evidently been paying more attention to her than she realised. Volker spoke.

"We'll have to run it by the Colonel, first. It can probably go on the list." _On the list?_

"Guys, this is important, I mean-" she was interrupted.

"No, really; we're not supposed to do _anything_ without his say-so. If you wanna take it up with him, feel free." She couldn't help but stare at him, unable to fully process what he'd just said. _Damn petty politics! Couldn't they see how necessary it was?_ It was one thing to aim for passive resistance, and quite another when the work she wanted done could not only save lives, but possibly benefit _them_ in the future, too.

"But-"

"Sorry, TJ, really." He didn't look sorry. A little guilty, perhaps, but definitely _not_ sorry. He looked at his 'net-pad, effectively dismissing her.

She watched Eli stirring the gloop in his bowl, gaze down, desperate to avoid eye contact; her charitable opinion of only moments ago vanished like a wisp of smoke, and she remembered anew how incensed and dismayed she'd been last month when trying to deal with the ice-mite infestation. He'd been a hindrance then, and a dangerous one. Yet now, when she _wished_ he would argue and talk some sense into his colleagues, he held silent, not willing to 'rock the boat'. _Typical!_

Heat flared through the woman. Acute anger bubbled up from her belly, the blood pounded in her ears, and she felt her hands twist into fists, unable -unwilling- to prevent them from doing so. Knowing she had to leave before she said something she would later come to regret, she managed to mutter a terse 'no problem', before turning on her heel and striding away, fuming. The medic ignored Eli's half-hearted call- he didn't care enough to follow after. Her face must have expressed some of the inner outrage she was barely holding onto, for people took one look at her and moved out of her way. She was _shaking_. Out of sight of the doorway, she paused and drew a deep breath. When it didn't help, she slammed the side of her hand against the wall, welcoming the pain that shot down her arm, and growled in frustration. _So short-sighted!_ There was no peace in the silence now; she could feel it closing in, smothering her as she stomped back to the infirmary. The sight of the console, the root of her problems, stoked the fire, and with an inarticulate cry that summed up the last hour, she threw her hands in the air, physically disavowing herself of the entire damn FUBAR'ed mess, and stormed back out again.

_I'm going to bed!_

- - - - o0o - - - -

She felt ratty. Hours of tossing and turning, too maddened to sleep, had done nothing to help her, and all she had to show for it was a raging headache, gritty eyes and stiff muscles. The medic half hoped she'd run into someone in the corridors she now traversed just so that she could vent some of her irritability, whether the poor soul deserved it or not. The chances of meeting someone, however, were slim; by anyone's standard, it was very late, possibly even early. Desperate to quell the headache, she was on her way to the infirmary; TJ could face the destruction she had wrought long enough to find some aspirin, _if anyone deserves it, it's me,_ and then she was off to the observation deck. With luck, the hypnotic effect of the FTL stream would numb her racing mind, and then she was going back to bed. Hell, she fully intended to sleep in late- they could tend their own damn bruises. Happily quashing the quiet voice of her conscience, she revelled in her mood, such a change from her usual even temper. TJ couldn't remember the last time she had been this piqued. _No, I can_, she thought sadly, with a flash of pain. The last time…well, her resignation had been the result. Not that it had done her any good.

As the entrance to the infirmary came into sight, she paused, frowning; the lights were on. _Don't tell me I've broken the light sensors, too._ With a deep sigh she moved forward past the threshold, eyes closed, pinching the bridge of her nose. _Maybe if I ignore it I can pretend it hasn't happened_. Chancing to look up, she froze. Her gaze was instantly arrested by the units she had broken earlier…and the floor, and the worktops… The state of the consoles made what she had done look amateurish- there were bits _everywhere. _The panel she had pulled off and laid down was now covered in parts which also lay scattered about; clumps of wires hung from the unit, some had even been pulled out completely and were haphazardly discarded on the floor. Her blankets now cushioned numerous crystals of differing sizes; hand tools and PDA's were mingled in the mess. She was stunned. _What the…_

Muffled noises drew her attention, and she looked down at the figure currently buried up past the shoulders in the console. _Doctor Rush?_ Quietly she backed away, knowing any sudden noise would startle him, and that was the last thing she wanted. He obviously hadn't expected to be disturbed at such an unusual hour, and given that he _was_ in the infirmary at such an unsociable time, she wondered whether he even wanted anyone to know he was ever here. Of course, it could simply be that these were the only hours he could manage to fit in around his overly busy workload. _We really need to have a chat about that. You need sleep, too_. Whilst he was one of those she routinely kept an eye on, TJ knew full well that he was the one least likely to follow the medic's orders and rest, and would probably only respond to any concern with nothing other than acidic derision. She had absolutely no authority where he was concerned, and knew that at best he would ignore her. Honestly, she was waiting for him to collapse again, though from sheer exhaustion this time- perhaps the only way she would be able to talk some sense into the scientist was when he felt the full impact of his blatant disregard for his own health. Even then it was a lesson that would most likely be forgotten after a few days. _Forgotten? No. Set aside as unimportant, perhaps…_

With a grunt he twisted over and wriggled out backwards on his hands and knees, before climbing to his feet facing the console. She winced slightly at the sound of popping joints, though it only sounded loud because there was no other noise in the room. Shoving his glasses back up his nose, he squinted at the display and tapped a few commands. Something _burred_ at him, and he gave a snort. How he'd gotten any response out of it when she would have sworn its internal mechanisms were spread all over the floor was beyond her, but he managed it. Taking a breath, she spoke softly into the stillness.

"What are you doing?"

He jumped, turning instantly to face her. The look of innocent, wide-eyed startlement was typically fleeting, and vanished even as she blinked leaving her wondering if she had even seen it, to be replaced by that stubborn, arrogant look she loathed. How she _wished_ he wouldn't do that. She had caught a glimpse of a very different personality hidden behind that bitter, dismissive mask, but it was so rare, and she doubted many people believed there was more to him than there appeared- not that there were many even willing to give him the benefit of doubt. Oh, she wasn't naïve- she was fully aware that he could be a truly nasty piece of work, but she also knew there was more to him than he showed; he was just so damn good at hiding it. _I doubt I'll ever understand why…_

"What ye wanted."

Even the _tone _was sullen; she had to admit he was probably embarrassed about getting caught, though she had no idea why he would be. TJ sighed inwardly, wishing once again, _and not for the last time, I expect, _that she had some small understanding of his personality, some inkling as to why he often reacted so peculiarly to things most people wouldn't care about, or give even a single thought to, let alone a second. He was so defensive all the time, almost like he was just waiting for the world to turn around and disappoint him, laugh at him behind his back. Maybe he was. He had a low opinion of people, expecting little from them and was therefore never surprised when that was what he got. For a fretful moment, she wondered what he thought of her. _That's one of the differences I guess- he doesn't seem to care what people think about him. Or if he does, he never shows it. _She took in the tenseness across his shoulders, the hard set to his jaw, and knew it would be up to her to easy the air.

"Careful," she grinned at him, hoping to lighten the mood, "wouldn't want to get yourself in trouble."

Apparently it worked, for he relaxed somewhat and rolled his eyes.

"Lieutenant, when am I ever _out_ of trouble?"

She laughed. How true was that? The man hadn't managed to stay out of the Colonel's bad books for more than a day at a time; she knew the Doctor drove her CO to distraction, though to her it seemed to be six of one, half a dozen of the other. They wound each other up something fierce, though really the Colonel let Doctor Rush get to him far too much. _Honestly, I sometimes think they must enjoy arguing. _Not true, she knew, but they were each as bad as the other. Well, nearly. The scientist was definitely better at being unpleasant and winding people up. _Never with me though…_. She blinked, struck by the realisation that that was true. The medic moved forward, peering at the organised chaos around them.

"Any luck?"

He shook his head, hand moving instantly to brush bangs of brown hair from his eyes in an unconscious gesture. Another thing she knew that irritated Colonel Young.

"Not yet, I'm afraid. Ye really did a number on this one."

The slight smile wasn't his usual malicious one- actually, he seemed genuinely amused. _Not that that's a surprise_, she thought, and resigned herself to the fact that he'd be using it against her in the future. _I only hope he's nice about it…_ judging by the genuine laughter in his eyes, she'd be keeping her fingers crossed.

"So how much damage did I do?" He ducked his head, and her eyebrows shot up. _Are you laughing at me?_

"Enough." He glanced at her; it seemed an effort for him to keep his face straight, though he managed it. "Umm, ye managed t' blow most of the power relays. And in the other two units. Congrats, by the way- Eli hasn't managed that yet! Oh, dunnae look so worried, it's repairable. Honestly, Lieutenant, it would have needed pullin' apart anyway." At her look of confusion he actually explained. "It was already damaged- eventually it would have blown. Ye just sped things up, that's all."

_And I've just added to your workload…_ She scuffed her foot against the floor."I'm sorry, I know how busy you are. I'd actually hoped one of the others could help me, but, well…"

"Yeah, I know- they said 'no'."

He looked uncomfortable, and turned his head away again; now that he was talking, he seemed to want to avoid eye contact, albeit for reasons different to Eli's. With a soft cough, highlighting his self-consciousness - she realised he rarely spoke for so long to anyone except maybe his team about scientific matters - he brushed supple fingers against the display panel, absently fiddling with the buttons. _You really aren't a people person, are you? _TJ suppressed a smile, knowing he would read it wrong and take offence. She really didn't want him closing her out, not now.

"There's a list?"

He snorted again, irritation and indignation warring in the sound. The soft brogue hardened when he spoke and she realised with dismay that she'd lost him anyway.

"Oh _aye_, there's a list. _Your_ Colonel-" she winced at the harsh 'your' "-insists on signing off on any work we do. We have to ask for _permission_ before beginning anything, regardless or how necessary or trivial_._" He muttered something she couldn't quite catch -she wasn't even sure it was English- and crouched to peer into the cavity he'd created. She blinked at the sudden hostility. _Don't take it out on me! _Her tounge moved before her brain could stop it, and she voiced a sharp retort.

"He's not _my _Colonel, thank you very much."

The look he threw her she couldn't quite interpret, and wasn't entirely sure she wanted to. The implication in those dark eyes made her blood run cold. _He doesn't know, surely? He can't!_

"No, I suppose he's not…" his voice trailed off as his focus became thoughtful, the gaze just as intense and uncomfortable, but without the aggression of a few seconds ago. His moods were too swift to follow, and she wasn't sure she liked this expression any more than the last. She shifted awkwardly. _Damn it! I'm not four!_ TJ straightened, shoulders back and crossed her arms over her chest; she met his scrutiny head on, tilting her head slightly and raising an eyebrow in enquiry. Something flashed through his eyes and he turned away, but not before she'd seen his lips curve upwards ever so slightly. _Score!_

"Still, he might agree if ye asked him. Just tell him I'd already said 'no'. That'll help." She sighed again, loudly this time allowing her exasperation to show, and he paused.

"Honestly, you two! I am not getting in the middle of it, and I am certainly not adding to your workload. You-" she was cut off abruptly.

"Ye went an' asked for help for a reason," he challenged. "Well? Unless it wasn't important…"

She hesitated briefly, and then rose to meet him. _Take the bull by the horns… _He may come across as a compulsive liar, -_actually, he _is_ a lot of the time, but that was entirely beside the point- _but she knew that he actually valued honesty under the right circumstances; knew also that he already knew the truth. TJ didn't know what his reaction would be if she _did _try lying, but she was aware that it wouldn't be good.

"We need the medical systems, badly," she said quietly. "I'd hoped they'd realised that, and that they may well benefit from them in the future. You know, self interest if nothing else. They were just so…"

"Short-sighted? Petty? Stupid?"

She sighed and nodded.

"Aye. Really, there's being obstructive, and then there's being a prat. They haven't quite figured out where the line is. I agree, we need these up and running. I should be able t' get this fixed fairly quickly."

The elation she felt was amazing, though she still felt guilty. How would he manage to fit this in? It wasn't like he had spare time. She would never have asked him herself- that was, after all, part of the reason she was glad he hadn't been in the Mess- and she knew that now he had personally taken on the job, he wouldn't delegate it to any other.

"You don't have time…" she tried, weakly, knowing her argument was pointless. His look was dismissive, borderline contemptuous. _Really, how can he be so closed off from everyone, and yet be able to throw so much emotion into a single glance?_

"I can manage my own work load, thank you. That's up t' me." She bit her lip at the belligerent tone. What could she say to that? It was irrelevant, though- he was already routing through the internal mechanisms again, back to her, most likely oblivious to her presence. At a lose end now, she hesitated, uncertain. After a few minutes spent staring at the back of his head, she began to feel foolish, and spurred herself to action. She had reports to write, stock to check, a whole plethora of little things to keep her hands busy and her mind away from the infuriating contradiction of a man on his knees a few meters from her._ At least the headache's gone, _she noted, mildly surprised. She stifled a chuckle, recalling how the Colonel often complained that Doctor Rush was the cause of his headaches, _and here he is, the cure to mine!_

She lost herself in the paperwork- personnel notes, health reports, evaluations, confidential information that she would be taking with her when she left. Tedious work, but it had to be done. Actually, it went a lot easier than it usually did. She'd never before noticed how different the quiet of the nights on board Destiny were compared to the quiet of the days. Nor had she noticed how different the quiet was when you had someone, however unlikely, to share it with. There was a deeper peace now, a solitude she hadn't expected, and she was able to sink into her work, uninterrupted and undisturbed. It wasn't until repetitive motion seen at the corner of her eye caught her attention that she turned; Rush was moving back and forth between one of the beds and the mess he'd created, carefully transporting bits and pieces to the bed to keep them out of the way and arranging them to suit his needs. The man looked pale, weary, but she wasn't about to make comments that would serve only irk him, undoing the stillness that had settled between them.

"I should be able to get the other two at least patched up tomorrow- the middle one will take longer. Can't odds it." Placing the last few objects he carried on the bed, he moved back to the console and refitted the panel. She saw him grimace slightly as he stood again, then stretch; checking the time she noted with a start it had been over four hours. She raised her head in time to see him make for the door.

"Make sure no one touches those bits." And he gestured vaguely behind him.

"Will do," she called after, and then he was gone. _Well that was…anticlimactic._ She snorted. What was she expecting, really?

Waiting long enough to make sure he had actually gone, she slipped off the stall, stifling a groan herself as stiff muscles protested, and approached the bed. The contents were easily divisible into two halves; the parts that he intended to keep were neatly laid out, no two touching, whereas the bits that were quite obviously rubbish were piled at the end. The tools he'd moved to a worktop. Looking over at the units, she took in the clean floor- he'd left nothing behind. _Unlike you, who stormed out leaving a right mess everywhere. _At least he hadn't mentioned that. Grabbing a blanket, she covered the lot, and set a scribbled sign 'Caution, fragile. Do not touch. TJ' on the top. There was a deep peace in her soul, born of the knowledge that her problems would be solved and the medic sighed, contented; she gathered her papers and made her own way out.

_It's strange being able to categorise the different types of silences,_ she thought as she settled back into her quarters. Here she felt more lonely, the quiet was more pronounced. TJ pottered for a while, just to hear something, before finally giving in; with a sigh, she crawled onto the cold bed, squirming her way beneath the sheets. Curling on her side, one arm resting over her belly, she was finally able to relax; closing her eyes she drifted into sleep.

- - - - o0o - - - -

It was somehow really easy to understand, and yet at the same time she was unable to completely wrap her mind around it. Recent events had been... chaotic. Bizarre. And yet, too remote to be truly frightening after the initial shock had worn off. She understood, but when she thought about it too much, in too much detail, she became confused, comprehension deserting her. It was hard to concentrate on her work, and she frequently found she was staring at the slides without seeing them. Like now. She shook herself.

Soft murmuring drew her attention, and TJ looked over at the occupied beds. Volker settled with a sigh, going still once more. Four people ill enough to require her permanent attention, but it could have been so much worse; for the other _them_, it had been. The medic rubbed her eyes, turning back to the venom she was processing. _At least I'm nearly finished._

It had been a long, fraught day, but at least the overall panic had been brief. It was just too much of an 'out-there' situation for people to fret over for too long. She wasn't the only one who found confusion outweighed worry. Mainly, the crew had panicked when the first few- Chloe, Dale and Marcus- had fallen ill enough to need her; a truly bewildering solution to the problem had presented itself quickly enough to change their fright into a need to understand, though even now most people were left saying 'huh?'. Thinking of the Kino videos, TJ shuddered. It had been unpleasant viewing, but their other selves had saved them, given them the information they needed to cure the sickness caused by the ice-mites. She closed her eyes, remembering the terror and the screams as the team planetside had died horribly- events that for them had never happened, _a twist of fate- third time lucky,_ captured for eternity on video. Dead. All bar Matthew, who had been left to suffer alone, screaming into the dark. The way the aliens had burrowed through them. The way the creatures had slithered like nightmares out of the shadows. The mangled corpses laid bare to see when the sun had risen. Eli broken on the floor. Poor Matthew, it had been so hard on him. _I'll need to keep an eye on him, we might have to talk._ She pressed her fingers to her temples. She was no psychologist, to try and understand and help and give advice. _How_ _do I know I won't make things worse? _She didn't, and it was a frightening possibility. _I'll talk to him tomorrow,_ she decided firmly, _before he has time to stress over it for too long._ Even the image of Doctor Rush holding up what turned out to be his own skull was terrible in it's own way; she'd caught the fleeting look of nausea on his face as he watched the video, banished behind a stoic expression before anyone else noticed. No one was unaffected. _I died…_ She shivered.

She rather doubted her silent companion would join her tonight as he had done for the last three nights, and she felt a pang of disappointment at the loss of his presence. It wasn't like they really interacted or conversed when he was in the infirmary but she found she liked his stalwart, if silent company, strange as that might seem. Though he made little effort to speak to her and never bothered with small talk, she didn't overly mind. Not only did they both like the quiet, but she accepted that it was just who he was, and besides, it wasn't like he didn't acknowledge her; he just didn't feel the need to fill the silence with meaningless chit-chat. Why would he? He was too reserved a person for that, too confident in himself to feel the need. As she had often observed- he wasn't a 'people person'. Doubtless he would feel ridiculous making a forced effort, and therefore didn't try. Even with her, he was somewhat stilted; he never asked her to leave, never even insinuated it. The Doctor could hardly begrudge her being there- it was her infirmary, after all, regardless of the hour- but she knew that he was uneasy in her presence, never able to quite relax, so she kept to herself, there but distant, and they moved around each other like ghosts. He preferred that. She wished he was there now- with four people, all friends on some level, seriously ill and relying on her, she had rarely felt as lonely.

Testing a new sample from one of the dishes she was culturing, she watched with relief as the venom attacked and destroyed the alien virus without damaging the native cells. _Just the right concentration…_those few who were sick enough to be in the infirmary needed extra care- their immune system was already weakened by the virus, and therefore in danger of being overloaded by the venom. The last few hours had been spent getting the dose correct; now she could administer it to these last few without fear of hastening their demise. Well, without _much_ fear, anyway. Pulling the slide free, she dropped it into a bowl to be sterilised, and took up the hypo-syringe. With care, she decanted the contents of the relevant test-tube into it; sealing the end, she grabbed the steri-wipes, slid from the stool and approached Dale Volker, the sickest of the four. Adjusting the hypo- for 20cc, the medic gently turned his arm out, exposing the crook of his elbow, and pressed the end to the artery there; depressing the release, she heard the hiss as the dose was administered. She waited. Satisfied that his vitals weren't dropping, TJ cleansed the hypo- end, and proceeded to the other three. _Please work._ It was a nerve wracking quarter hour before their stats began to climb, and she finally sat back down, giddy and elated. Weariness washed over her, and she turned into the desk, propping her elbows on the tabletop and resting her head in her hands. She had no idea how long she sat like that before a _clittering _sound on the work surface drew her attention. Rolling her head to the side she frowned; two pills. TJ jumped slightly as a white-clad, brown-topped arm came into view, depositing a cup of water beside the tablets. She felt herself go still, almost breathless.

"Thank you." She was proud that her voice was steady and calm. The Doctor simply nodded, before leaving. She didn't watch him go, didn't dare. Knew he wouldn't want her to. _Such a contradiction…_

Grateful beyond her ability to express, knowing that any attempt to try would have embarrassed him, she quickly downed the aspirin and waited impatiently for it to work. _I'll never understand him_. Such a small, almost inconsequential act of kindness most people wouldn't think twice about; and yet coming from a man who went out of his way to drive people off, the gesture took on a whole new meaning. _Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it. _Still, coming from him...she smiled.

The next hour was spent closely monitoring her 'guests'; after that, she turned her attention to the reports she would have to write. More importantly…accessing the medical database, she began transcribing information across to the system where it would be preserved beyond the remit of fragile paper. Everything she had learnt, all the tests she had run- the successes and the failures- the breakdown of both the venom and the ice-mite virus, was copied out in detail, and saved for the future. It was doubtful they would run into those peculiar life-forms again, but the information may one day be useful for wholly different reasons. _Speaking of…_ she paused, fingers poised above the console. _I'll have to start testing the venom's other properties._ She was sure there were further possibilities for the venom than just killing a virus. The chance of finding a successful cure on a completely different planet was just far too coincidental, _way_ too remote; it could only be a side effect –although one beneficial to them- of something greater. There had to be more to it than that. Maybe one of these machines could help her. Eventually. With another sigh she rubbed tired eyes, before continuing. That'd be an experiment for when all this was finished with- she had far too much to do right now. It didn't take her long, and then she was writing out by hand the report for Colonel Young and the SGC- that took more time, and she felt her patience beginning to fizzle. The headache may have been gone, but her exhaustion was making her irritable and fretful, even to herself. She hadn't slept since the Kino's had been discovered some thirty odd hours before, and they had all been hurled headfirst into yet another frantic dash for survival. Once again they had succeeded, but she knew many people were wondering how many chances they had left. Her wrist ached by the time she finished, and she couldn't bear the thought of starting the personal medical reports; instead, she stood, and made a slow round of her patients. As she touched her fingers to the pulse at Vanessa's neck, the woman stirred and her own heart leapt.

"Vanessa? Vanessa James? Wake up, there's a good girl." She soothed the Lieutenants passage back to the waking world, and smiled down at her when dark eyes opened. The last one to fall ill enough to be admitted to the infirmary, TJ had been expecting her friend to wake first. Still, she felt elated to see Vanessa truly on the mend. _Prayers answered…_

"Hey, sweetie."

"TJ? Hey…" the woman offered a weak smile in return, before closing her eyes and sighing. "I feel like crap."

The medic laughed softly. "I'm not surprised. Go back to sleep, you need it." A soft 'mmh-hmm' was her only response, and she gently stroked the dark hair as Vanessa drifted away again.

She felt high, her weariness forgotten; she could feel herself grinning like an idiot. It was all she could do to resist the urge to dance.

Moments like this made it all worth it.


	2. A Problem Shared

Ok, when I wrote the paragraph where TJ is looking at herself in the mirror I was listening to Lisbeth Scott's 'Forever Young'. Shoot me. Well, first go Youtube it- it's a beautiful song.

Now, I'm pretty sure that at some point in the last 15 years, wormhole science iro the whole Time episode thing has been explained, but I can't remember. Below, somewhere, is my take. It does make sense. Whether it's right or not is another matter entirely! Damn. I actually had to write out the timeline(s) for Time for it to make _any _sense, and even then I had to read through the Transcripts on GW several times to figure things out fully. The Forums' were really handy too, confirming or disproving a number of thoughts I'd had. I've also realised an error in C1- it's not a virus, it's a micro-organism. Completely different. I'll go back and change it at some point.

OMG, have some nerdy fan-science. I hope I got it right. If the physics is wrong, please tell me. You can skip the science section if you feel you must :-p plenty of story after it!

Umm, is no one reading Actions and Consequences? Just curious. I might concentrate more on this one.

Usual disclaimers, blah blah blah…

- - - - o0o - - - -

The sensation of being shaken woke her. Movement stilled, and gentle pressure settled on her shoulder.

"Lieutenant?"

TJ sat up with a moan. _Damn, I'm stiff!_ She blinked blearily, and looked around. Still in the infirmary, the medic realised she'd fallen asleep at her desk. Frowning, she cast her mind back… _oh. _After Vanessa had returned to sleep, she'd spent the next hour practically bouncing between her patients, delighted at their recovery. Marcus had woken next, and as with the 2nd Lieutenant she'd gently eased him back to sleep. Neither Chloe nor Dale had awoken, but their stats showed they had moved from unconsciousness into proper rest, and would most likely awaken tomorrow –_today, I guess._ Grimacing, she stretched and turned to face Colonel Young, who was looking at her with a mix of both anticipation and concern. She smiled.

"They're all doing fine. Both Dale and Vanessa woke briefly; I'm expecting Chloe and Marcus to do the same some time this morning. I'll have a full report to you soon, Sir."

He shook his head. "No, what you're going to do is go grab something to eat, then get some proper sleep. It's 07:00 now, any idea how long you've been out?"

The medic checked her watch and winced. No wonder she felt awful. "About four hours, Sir".

Colonel Young sighed. "In two days. Okay, Doctor Park will cover here. You, go. Now."

Peering round the Colonel, she caught sight of Lisa, who smiled at her cheerfully and waved. Weakly returning the gesture, she slid from the stool and nodded to her CO; as she went to move past him he again placed a hand on her shoulder and spoke warmly to her when she turned to look at him.

"Great work TJ, you should be proud."

She straightened slightly. Performing a quick check on her patients –she ignored his sigh of frustration- she felt satisfaction roll through her, alleviating briefly her exhaustion.

"All good, Sir. Call me if anything happens?" She asked Lisa. The woman gave her a bright 'will do', and TJ had to fight the strange urge to throttle her. _Play nice._ It was no ones fault but her own she was so tired that such exuberance offended her. Stifling a yawn she waved goodbye, belatedly remembering once in the corridors that she hadn't deferred to the Colonel, and shrugged, not really caring right then. _I'll apologise later…_

Making her way quickly to the Mess, she wasn't surprised to find it fairly empty; generally, the civilians slept in late- it wasn't like they had much to do, after all- and the military shifts weren't due to change yet. She made her way to the gloop-dispenser, and Airman Burge poured her a healthy measure, more generous than normal. Her protest was cut off as soon as she opened her mouth.

"Becker told me he hadn't seen you last night; I don't suppose you've eaten properly, Ma'am? Thought not." His grin was unrepentant when she shook her head. "Enjoy, Ma'am; it's always best to get the first batch early!" She smiled at him, touched, then thanked the younger man for his kindness and quickly found a seat. It didn't take long to eat. Drink? _What exactly is the correct term? Huh. _She didn't really taste it, but absently agreed that it was better early in the day; not good, just better. TJ must have been staring into space, for she didn't see him move, but suddenly he was beside her, taking the bowl. She looked up at him, a distant voice wondering exactly how dumb her expression was right then.

"I daresay you haven't slept either, Ma'am? Nope. I'll clear this, don't worry."

It was an effort to move, and a strong hand caught her elbow when she swayed upon standing.

"I'm okay, Airman, thanks." Maybe. Her voice sounded strange to her own ears and her vision was blurry, though quickly returning. _I really need to go to bed._ He didn't look entirely convinced, but given that he let go she must have appeared steadier. When he spoke, his voice was hesitant.

"Lieutenant…how is everyone?"

Her smile was genuine, regardless of her weariness. "Just fine, Michael. They should all be awake today, and back in their own quarters by tonight. The rest of the crew is doing great- no ill effects that I've been made aware of."

His relief was palpable. She answered his thanks with a gentle 'no worries', bid him goodnight -_good day_- she thought, absently, and slowly made her way out. _My room's never felt so far away._ A hand on the wall guided her passage, served to keep her upright though merely putting one foot in front of the other was a monumental achievement, and after an eternity she slipped from the silence of the halls into the deep stillness of her own rooms. She really didn't have the ability to think right then as she slumped down onto the edge of the bed, barely had the strength to pull her boots off, before flopping onto the mattress fully dressed and simply rolling herself up in the sheets. Anything else took too much effort, and she was asleep in seconds.

-o-

Her rest was dreamless, blessedly undisturbed, and waking was easy. She stifled a laugh at how she had slept- moreover, she had barely moved all day. Stretching lazily, she pressed the pad above the bed and the room illuminated; checking her watch her brows rose in surprise. _21:13? Wow…_She'd just slept away nearly fourteen hours. _Needed it though. I feel so much better._ Sliding off the bed she padded across the floor to the mirror, softly humming half forgotten strains of an unknown tune; allowing herself a small portion of her water ration she wet the cloth left on the desktop, and scrubbed her face. Pulling her hair from its knots was usually difficult, and now was no exception; generally it managed to tangle itself no matter how careful she was, and this time she'd slept with it up, compounding the problem. _Ah well._ She resigned herself to the fight, and it took nearly ten minutes to tease all the tangles out. Satisfied at last, she brushed it till it wisped with static, then began the task of putting it all back up again, and her arms ached by the time she'd finished.

She studied her reflection for a long moment, wondering who the woman was staring out from behind her eyes. Often these days she didn't recognise herself… Touching fingers to the mirror she traced the curve of her jaw, sighing at the hollowing of her cheeks and the paleness of her skin, and despite the long rest there were still dark smudges beneath her eyes. With a pang of grief she closed her eyes against the unwelcome truth she saw in her underfed features. She'd had such plans for herself, for _them. _She rested a hand over her belly. She'd been terrified, but so determined; having made her choice she would lay everything down to see it through, would rise to meet any challenge head-on, and now…_we're all malnourished. I can't even support me, let alone two of us._ She was frightened sick of the certain eventuality. Things would pass, unnoticed and unremarked. No one would know. A heavy period, nothing more. _What can anyone do?_ They were all looking for a miracle, all praying; only her prayers weren't for herself, but for the babe that slept beneath her heart, unaware of its fragile mortality. Not knowing it would probably never live to see sunlight. Never see a sky. Never breathe air. Life was fleeting, she knew, but some life never even got the chance, and it broke her heart, a thousand shards that cut her to pieces. _I had it all worked out, so many dreams…_It would have been a good life, hard but good; her mother would have doted something fierce, regardless of the lack of father, her sister would have been overjoyed. A nephew! Cousin for her own children. A child she could love and nurture in strength and hope, a piece of herself and a man she once thought she loved. She'd never imagined herself pregnant, a mother herself; now she couldn't imagine life any other way. _I'm meant to save you. Raise you. Defend you. Feed your dreams and set you free. And I can't._

_God help me, I can't._

-o-

He looked up as she entered, and frowned. _Of course he's here._ TJ sighed inwardly. She'd actually been hoping he wouldn't be- he was far too astute to miss her hidden sorrow. She'd stayed locked in her quarters long after she'd finished weeping, waiting till all traces off the blotchiness had faded before venturing out, and though she knew most people wouldn't see her grief, she was aware there were a handful who might notice. Blessedly, all bar one of those was probably in bed, or at least in their room, but it was that one she had the most to worry about. She called out a quiet greeting and smiled, before heading over to the few remaining crates still stacked against the far wall. She ignored the way the frown deepened, and the fact that he rose onto his knees in order to follow her passage. She hoped he'd respect her wish for privacy enough to not ask.

"Evening," he returned, voice equally soft. He was still watching her as she pulled the lid off the first crate; the hairs on the back of her neck rose. _Please…_ she carried on, trying to project an air of obliviousness she didn't feel. When he spoke into the quiet, her heart sank, but his words surprised her.

"Ye dunnae have to be here. Ya know, if you're…still tired." He sounded uncomfortable, awkward, but sought to give her a way out, a gift unlooked for, and some of the pain in her chest lessened. _Thank you…_

"Thank you, but I'm okay. I…want to be busy. It's been a long few days, you know?" She added hastily.

"Mmm."

At a soft rustling sound, she risked a glance behind her; he'd turned around to face the console, though he seemed in no hurry to return to work. She delved back into the crate. After a long moment, she heard again the sound of tinkering, and was grateful beyond measure that he hadn't pressed. TJ looked down at her hands, and realised with a flicker of amusement that she had _no _idea what she had just moved onto the worktop. Emptying it completely, she spread the items out across the surface; nothing to get excited about, but useful things nonetheless. More boxes of steri-wipes, half a dozen bedpans, assorted dressings, a couple of boxes of individually wrapped syringes- she raised an eyebrow, baffled. _An egg cup? Weird._ A giggle escaped her as she uncovered a pair of googly-eyes. _What on Earth?_ She put them on, turned around sharply which set them to wobbling. Rush was already looking at her, no doubt wondering at her sudden humour; she had the pleasure of watching his eyes widen in shock and he snorted, ducking away with a cough that barely hid his own laughter. She cracked up, laughing till tears ran down her cheeks, and she slid down the panel behind her to sit on the floor. It slowly faded, and she was left wheezing and giggling, wiping at her eyes and grinning like an idiot. _God, I needed that. _Reality hit like icy water –she was well aware she'd just made a fool of herself in front of _him-_ and unconsciously she tried to hold her breath which only served to make her hiccup: to her shock she heard an undeniably masculine snigger. She risked looking over at the lead scientist; he'd made himself comfortable to watch her, resting up against an adjacent unit, and his face was a picture of amusement. They watched each other for a while, each finally comfortable in the others' company, and she absently fiddled with the springy eyes. Just sitting there was surprisingly pleasant, no demands or expectations, no need for conversation, and she didn't want to disturb the peace, either the one between them, or the one that had settled in a thin veneer over her soul. She wondered if there were any subjects they could share, and remembered her question; providing of course he didn't think trying to explain was beneath him.

"What happened with those Kinos? I mean, I get it, but I don't. It's weird."

He studied her for a moment, and then cocked his head, thoughtful. When he spoke his voice was carefully modulated, articulate, as though he chose his words with care; the soft brogue he usually spoke with was lessened, and she wondered suddenly whether she had ever heard his true accent if, as it appeared, he could change it at will. That was quite a thought.

"Wormholes are actually rather unstable- it doesna' take a lot, relatively speaking, to disrupt one, and the consequences vary. If we stop to think that space is time, and time is space, then they are both the same; if a wormhole cuts a passage in space, does it not also cut a passage through time?" He paused, stretched his legs out before continuing. "Einstein, by the way. The physics is…complicated, and not particularly relevant." Suddenly he stood and she jumped; gathering a number of items, he approached and settled to the floor a short distance from her, before continuing in that soft burr.

"To some degree, a star always bends a wormholes path; that's the nature of gravity, an' after a black-hole, a sun is a force that exerts the most gravitational pull. Now, the Stargate compensates for that. The Ancients weren't stupid. Nor were they stupid enough to create artificial wormholes that could be opened to any _when._ They'd already accounted for that, too. O' course, when you're dealing with things like this, you cannae account for everything. Even if you could, you cannae _prevent_ everything, so they put in as many safeguards as they could, knowing that under extreme circumstance there could be problems. It's like crossing the road. Fine, safe, perfectly normal? O' course it is, until you get some pillock doing seventy in a thirty and then it all goes horribly wrong; or a car leaks oil onto the road that you don't see, so you slip and fall. Doesn't stop you crossing the road in future- providing you aren't dead, mind." The scientist stopped, realising what he'd just said, and she though of his 'Yorrick' moment on the Kino footage.

Swallowing, he forced himself to continue, and began spreading items out on the floor between them.

This is us." he poked a broken crystal. "That's where we're going." He set another some distance apart. "This," his lips twitched a smile as he gingerly extricated the eyes from her grip- she noted he made care not to touch her, "is a star. The wire represents the path a wormhole would take." He lay a length of wire out between the two points, bending it slightly towards the 'sun'. "Perfect conditions, A to B, no problem. "Now, a solar flare is an incredible force of nature. The cycle of a flare typically has three stages- _precursor, impulsive _and_ decay._ As an aside, interestingly, the temperature of a flare is several times greater than that of a suns' corona. It's caused by the sudden release of a build up of magnetic energy in the solar atmosphere, an' it emits massive amounts of radiation right across virtually the entire electromagnetic spectrum- radio waves, x-rays, gamma rays, infrared, ultraviolet are a few examples, all words you know, but have probably never really associated as being different forms of basically the same thing. Following?"

She nodded.

"Good. Stage one sees the release of magnetic energy; in stage two we witness the exponential acceleration of protons an' electrons, releasing massive amounts of heat an' energy- several million times greater than that of a volcanic explosion, but still only a fraction of the overall output of a star. Stage three isn't important. Now we get into the 'time-travel'. Remember space and time. Stages one and two provide massive interference- for example, like another, more powerful radio station broadcasting over your usual station. The combination of stages one and two interrupt normal broadcasting, so to speak. The wormhole doesn't stop- a bit like _Destiny_, it follows its' programmed course, although unlike the ship there is no master code to change the programming. As a result, it forces through and forms a connection. If you were t' manage to hear your normal radio station through the second one it would be distorted, mangled- you'd be listening to both at the same time, a blurring of the two, an' plenty of static. You're only getting half the signal. Occasionally an active wormhole can be affected by a solar flare; then it all gets horribly complicated. It's very unusual, though- it's usually during the initial event of trying to establish a wormhole connection that the problem usually occurs. Anyway, the massive release of radiations and energies interacts with the normal radiation and energy emitted by a forming wormhole and _twists_ it." He formed a loop in the wire. "The flare doesn't always alter the wormholes _space _trajectory –A to B, still- But because the path is no longer straight, something has to give, so it generally altersthe _time _trajectory. It connects to the right where, but not the right when. Usually. And then, sometimes, it goes a step further, and you get what happened to us.

"It has been hypothesised –an' _we_ know it's true- that the gravity of a sun can be used like a slingshot for space travel. If the path of a wormhole travels too close to a star, _and_ a solar flare happens, the stars' gravity grabs it, and pulls. Of course, the wormhole is still fighting to go somewhere. Without the flare, it's just a bigger curve." He demonstrated by straightening out the loop and forming a larger bend towards the sun. "All fine. Now, the flare is the trigger. Here's the interference," he gathered the wire up and looped it again. "But because the path isn't yet established it's still classed as an open end. The wormhole still wants to go somewhere, to connect, but it can't get to where it wants to go; it's forced to give in t' the pull of gravity an' slingshots back around the star, slamming into the originating gate." He did so with the wire, looping it a couple more times. "It's irrelevant to this example, but as you know you cannot connect to an active gate. If that's what it tried to do, there would be no connection at all- the dialling sequence would deactivate. But because the flare is now interfering with space _and _time, A to B becomes A to A2. It doesn't have to be in the past. People don't realise time is fluid, not linear like they think. It could go to any when, providing there's a gate present. How we doin'?"

"Okay, I think." She tilted her head. "Yeah, okay." TJ smiled. "Can you get A to C?"

He quirked a half smile.

"Yep, under the right circumstances." He spread the crystals out, one on either side of the eyes at equal distance, coiled the wire, and added a third gem halfway between the two following the invisible arc formed between them.

"Now, A to the star is the same distance as the star to B. Yes? C for the purpose of this demonstration is, conveniently, at exactly ninety degrees to the other two, and only half the distance from either A or B to the star. So, you have a travelling wormhole, a close sun and a solar flare; same as before, the flare distorts, and the star pulls it 'round. The wormhole is so scrambled at this point that it sees a possible connection and goes for it, hitting the wrong gate. Therefore, you not only have the wrong when, you have the wrong where, too. Good luck getting back from that one!"

She let lose a low whistle.

"What about the Kinos?"

"A bit more confusing. _Technically _three timelines- Kino-A, Kino-B, an' us. Let's start with A. Everyone contracts an illness. Everyone dies on the planet apart from Lieutenant Scott-A; presumably, everyone eventually dies on the ship as well. Sorry." His lips twisted in a grimace, and she realised the pain of her failure was showing. "There was literally _nothing_ you, _she,_ could have done, though I know that doesn't really help much. Anyway. I take a dive through and arrive in, let's say…2005. Good? Okay. Scott lobs Kino-A through and it comes to rest beside me. Now, timeline-B comes along. They go through, find human remains and the Kino, bring it back, review it, realise they have to go to the planet anyway, _everything _goes wrong and everyone dies. Again. But not before Scott-B has chance to record a message and lob Kino-B through the fritzy gate. Presumably it comes to rest in the same place as… me an' Kino-A in the past. It doesn't have to be the same time, but a precedent has been set, so the wormhole follows the easiest, established path. They only found the one Kino the first time round, because for them the events leading to Kino-B appearing hadn't happened- _they_ caused it. Here's the bit that's really confusing everyone- how can there be two Kinos? Technically, events negate themselves. I know, weird. Timeline-B never happened, so they never removed Kino-A, but once through the Gate, Kino-B exists separately of the B-timeline, as does the original Kino-A. We come along, separate of both timelines (again, for us it hasn't happened yet), an' find the results of the two prior existing series of events. We are the altered result of two futures that never happened. Except…they did- we have proof. It's a paradox- dunnae worry, I know physicists that don't understand this sort o' thing."

He gave a soft snort.

"Being in the same place at the same time doesn't generally matter. It's rubbish. The world ain't gonna end. The two items are from different time-streams- which means they are _not _the same thing. Bit like the ol' parallel universe thing. Hell, Rodney's met himself. Had a good long chat, from what I've been told!"

The lapsed into silence whilst she thought about what he had said. It kinda made sense. What was baffling was that the two timelines cancelled each other out. _Maybe it's as simple as, 'they just do'._ _Wonderfully scientific! _She smiled, and a thought occurred to her.

"Have you ever taught?"

He paused, going incredibly still. For a while she thought he wasn't going to answer, and she deeply regretted asking, but then he stirred.

"I did. Do, when I'm not working for the SGC." He didn't look happy, though. She didn't push. Why teaching would be a source of pain for him she couldn't begin to guess, but she was too sensitive to the moment and to him right then to try and pry. She settled on a word that she hoped would convey a number of meanings and her understanding.

"Good."

In the shared silence, so different to the lonely solitude of her quarters. She found a different measure of peace, allowed it into her soul. He picked the crystals up, rolled them between his hands, and then seemed to shake himself, standing abruptly.

"If we're finished, I gotta lot o' work to do."

It was hard not to take that personally, and she barely kept herself from flinching. Her good mood was instantly destroyed, and she was left wondering whether such callousness was intentional, or the product of thoughtlessness, however unlikely the concept may seem when applied to him. His persistent disregard of other people's feelings was a source of constant anger to everyone else. Did he not realise that he came across as being a complete jack ass at the best of times? _I doubt he'd care_, she thought, doused in misery. She couldn't ignore the fact that he had been kind to her, but at the same time knew that it was kindness that took an effort with him, and as such he didn't usually bother. It was difficult for her to believe that he was naturally an unpleasant person, and yet right then… She watched him as he worked, completely oblivious to the hurt he had caused.

_He doesn't understand that most people need other people_.

Her peace had fled; the silence between them was no longer so comfortable, for her at least.

_Maybe he does know, and doesn't care. Maybe because it doesn't hurt him, he doesn't think it hurts anyone else. Maybe he does know but prefers it this way? Keeping me away?_ She tossed her head, angry at herself. _Damn it, Tamara, when are you gonna stop making excuses for people? When are you gonna stop justifying their actions?_ _Probably never, _she thought morosely. It was just a part of her to want to see the best in people, even when they didn't see it themselves and no one else did either. To try and explain their actions in a light that she could comprehend, one that shone more favourably upon them. She honestly believed that everyone had redeemable qualities, even if they were sometimes hard to find- even him. _He's impatient. Arrogant. Smug. Superior._ She began checking off mentally on her fingers._ Cruel, disparaging. Petty. Mean. Callous. Condescending. Hurtful. Offensive. Dismissive. A poor exemplar of humanity._

_Then why do I like him?_

_Because he's hurting too…_

She blinked. Really? Maybe that was it, or at least part of it._ Because he's hurting, only he lashes out. Because he _can _be patient. And kind. And because it _is_ an effort for him to do so, it means so much more that he tries. Because I want to help him. Maybe if I can do that, if I can heal him, maybe I won't hurt as much. Maybe I can find the strength to heal myself. If I can help him, jack ass that he is, maybe there's hope for me, too._

_How many of us here are damaged souls? _She wondered. _Him and his past, me and mine and my hopeless future. Chloe and her father. Vanessa and Matt. Everyone who has left behind a loved one, or who has lost one. Everyone who lost a friend when Icarus was destroyed. How are we all coping, when the pain should drown us? Can we form the bonds we need quick enough to survive the past? We aren't meant to be alone in this life; it hurts too much to bear…_

She went rigid, her eyes dropping to the hand she knew bore a wedding ring, something people never paid attention to, except out of spite_. He never talks about her. Is she to blame?_ Oh, she'd heard the rumours, dismissed them as being the speculations of mean-minded gossips with nothing better to do._ Were they right?_ She'd seen him on Icarus. He hadn't been her responsibility, then, but she'd watched him regardless, knowing he was wounded somehow without knowing _how_ she knew; knew, too, about his temper and caustic nature, had seen enough people reduced to a shaking wreck from a particularly vile tongue lashing to be ignorant of what he was capable of. One day so long ago she'd overheard Lisa in the Mess telling her team mates that he never used to be like that; she'd worked with him once before on a different project and recalled a different man. She'd always been curious about that, and it had sat at the back of her mind all this time._ Is it her fault?_ It was, however, a pointless question; he would never volunteer something personal, and she would never ask. _An impasse._ _If you ever find a way to stop hurting, tell me? Please?_ She closed her eyes and bowed her head, before levering herself to her feet. She had to move, to do something, but she hesitated.

_If I ask him, he'll say no. If I assume, he'll take offence and won't accept it…_

"I'm going to the Mess to grab a drink. Water? Tea?" He paused for a long moment. _Damn it, man, it's a simple question!_

"Water, please."

It was only when TJ was past him and out into the hall that she remembered she'd left the googly-eyes abandoned on the floor.

-o-

At 23:37, the medic wasn't surprised that the ship was quiet. It blanketed her, invaded her senses and dulled them, told her she should be sleeping, too. _Sleep, sleep little child, an' all creation slept and smiled. _Was it her mother who whispered that to her? She couldn't remember, but she thought so. She listened to footsteps that didn't echo, the deep, almost inaudible sighing of the metal around her as _Destiny_ moved through the universe. _If I stay still enough, I can hear _Destiny_ breathe… _damn, but this place was turning her into a philosopher. What was that saying? Scratch any deepwater sailor, and you'll find a philosopher. _Do I count?_ She wondered, mildly amused. _This is about as deep as you can get…_

The Mess was empty, save for Michael Burge. The Airman sat longwise on a bench, feet up on the metal, crossed at the ankles. He raised his head from the book he was reading as she entered, and through her a cheeky grin.

"Ma'am. Hungry?" She realised she was, and he could tell so from her expression; unfolding himself he moved to the dispenser, and poured her a portion to match the last one. She sighed, hands on hips.

"Burge…"

"Really, Ma'am, you don't eat enough. I know you're really busy, but who's gonna look after you if you get sick?"

She sighed again. "I'm not the only one too busy to remember to eat, you don't need to single me out," she replied, thinking of Doctor Rush.

He must have followed her line of thought, for he grimaced. "Yeah, he's worse than you are. Ma'am." He winced. "Sorry. You fix us, he fixes the ship. Really, I'd rather the pair of you stop forgetting to eat. I wanna go home," he clarified with a shrug at her querying expression. She took the bowl, lips twitching in a smile. _Maybe he gets it…_

"Thanks. Has he been in? I know for a fact he's working somewhere, I can track him down." She hoped she sounded nonchalant and mildly aggrieved, a medic with a misbehaving patient, and she must have hit the right note because he smiled slightly.

"Would you? I think only Becker gets away with shoving food at him. Last time I tried telling him he should eat, I swear, Ma'am, he growled at me!" From the twinkle in his eyes, she knew he was exaggerating, but at the same time knew it wasn't far from the truth. She grinned, her mood lightening considerably.

"He tries arguing with me, Airman, and I'll have him locked in his quarters till he changes his mind!" He laughed at her teasing tone.

"Just remember to take away all those toys so he can't escape!" She snickered, watched as he poured a second bowl.

"I don't suppose there's a water canister spare?"

"Sure," he grabbed one from behind the dispenser, screwed a cup onto the top. Taking it, she tucked it under her arm before accepting the second bowl.

"Thanks, Michael." She smiled.

"Sure thing, Ma'am. You take better care of yourself, okay?" Once again touched by his compassion, she murmured a promise to try, and left as quietly as she had arrived. It was only when she neared the infirmary that she wondered how on Earth she was going to handle this. She'd gone out for a drink and come back with extras, and she doubted he'd be overly pleased by any outward display of concern over his diet, and would be especially pissed to find she had been discussing him with someone else. Embarrassed, irritated _and_ pissed. _Take the bull by the horns…_ she steeled herself, and stepped inside.

"I've just been scolded, though apparently I'm not the only one who doesn't feed themselves properly. I promised I'd track you down- if I have to play nice and eat this, so do you. Sorry. I can't guarantee it's particularly edible, but it's something, I guess."

TJ gave him no chance to argue as she thrust the bowl at him; his expression was a hilarious combination of dumbstruck bafflement and incredulity as he accepted it. Putting her own bowl on the console, she unscrewed the cup from the water bottle, filled it, then passed him the flask; taking up her bowl again she moved to her desk and settled down. The silence behind her made her skin prickle, but she was getting better at ignoring him. _Now, if only I could ignore the taste of this, too._ She knew he was behind her scant seconds before his hand reached into her field of vision; depositing the flask on the desktop, he swapped it for the smaller measure the cup held, and she swallowed against the lump in her throat. It was only after she'd heard him settle back on the floor that she took the time to observe her surroundings, and absurdly she felt some of the pain he had caused her ease at the sight her eyes fell upon. She smiled involuntarily.

The googly-eyes were resting safe and sound before her.

-o-

The day started out much the same as any other. Roll out of bed 06:30 (however much she wanted a lie in, it was too ingrained unless she was completely exhausted) breakfast 07:00 (no, Ma'am, Rush hasn't been in yet. Maybe he's not up yet.) 07:30 finish chatting with the rest of the morning shift (conversation didn't tend to vary much) walk around the ship to stretch her legs (a vague pretence at exercise) barring any meetings wander back the infirmary to continue as normal. She had left before him last night to return the bowls to the Mess, so she had no idea what time the scientist packed away, but he had tidied up after himself as usual- you would never even know he'd been there. _Yeah, that's the point._

Moving back to the remaining two crates, she began pulling them apart. Much like the first one, they contained a variety of items, most of them useful. The bottom crate was the most fruitful, filled as it was with dressings and dry swabs; to her delight hiding in the middle were several bottles of antiseptic wash. _It's depressing that I should be so excited about that._ She sighed. It didn't take long to log the new items on her inventory; nor did it take long to put them away. She had yet to work up the willpower to single-handedly do a complete stock check, so spent the next half hour pottering around, putting things back in their allotted place, or moving them to somewhere more convenient. Unless there were more packing crates or boxes hiding anywhere else onboard, what she had now was what she had- she didn't have to worry about allocating space to non-existent items. _10:16? Is that it?_ She sighed again, rubbed her temples. Well aware that she would develop a headache if she continued with this half-hearted procrastination, she left, only aware of where she was going when she neared her destination. _Well, I've been meaning to talk to him about that, anyway._

Doctors Brody and Rush were in the Control Room; the rest of the gang must be out and about somewhere. She had no idea what Dale would do with his spare time, but guessed that Eli was playing with the Kino's for his documentary. Really, she wished he could be a bit more sensitive towards other people's feelings; not everyone wanted to participate, and yet the youth never seemed to take the hint. _Well… _she smiled slightly at the memory of Greer assaulting the Kino. _That was amusing._

"Are ye planning on comin' or goin', Lieutenant? Either way, kindly make up your mind." She came back to reality in time to see Brody wince, but she could see what the other scientist had missed; the Scotsman was smiling ever-so slightly. Nor did she miss the paleness to his features or the dark marks beneath his eyes, which merely served to reinforce her determination.

"That depends. Do you want to talk in here or out there?"

He turned to look at her fully then, eyebrows raised high. The medic fixed him with a look of pure innocence, bellied by the twitch of her lips; he snorted before moving towards her, then past her out into the corridor. She threw Brody an exasperated look, and despite his evident curiosity he gave a half shrug- her problem. He wasn't getting involved. She turned and followed- he'd gone quite a distance. The scowl he fixed her with when she approached told her exactly how he felt about being 'summoned'.

"Yes, mum, I've eaten. Anything else?"

"Good, but that's not what I was going to ask." _That_ deflated him somewhat, and his brows furrowed slightly.

"Oh?"

"You. How much sleep did you actually get last night?" He blinked at her. "And the night before? And the night before that? Yes, I'm concerned- can't help that, I'm afraid," she responded to his building irritation. "You're going to burn out, be it sooner or later. You may not like having this conversation, but I think you'd like even less collapsing in front of everyone. Again," she added when it was obvious he was digging in preparing to be stubborn.

"Thank you for your _concern_, but I'm fine," he ground out, the scowl back in place.

"Doctor Rush," she sighed his name. "I'm not blind. You spend all your day in the Control Room, and most of each night in the infirmary. It's not good for you. Do you ever actually allow yourself any you-time? Do you ever give yourself the chance to just rest?"

He fixed her with an odd look, one she couldn't decipher.

"Which life threatening crisis would you rather I ignore? Tell me, does the expression 'Pot, Kettle, Black' mean anything to you, Lieutenant? Unless I'm very much mistaken, you've been in the infirmary every night with me, _and _every day with work. When is _your _you-time?"

She stared at him speechless, unable to form an answer.

"Get your own house in order before you try and rearrange mine, Lieutenant." He stalked off, back the way they'd come.

Well that hadn't worked at all. All she'd manage was to have holes in her own life uncovered. _Oh dear._ She fought back tears. The only thing personal time would allow her to do would be to sit around thinking of all she was about to lose. The last possible thing she wanted was 'me-time'. Her radio crackled to life.

'_Lieutenant Johansen.'_ She wiped at her eyes.

"Here."

'_You're due in the communication stone room in five minutes.'_

_Damn!_ She checked her watch- it was indeed time.

"I'm on my way." She hurried away, grateful to be able to cast her mind elsewhere. She arrived in the room with barely a minute to spare and dropped into the seat, throwing a quick smile at Riley as she did so.

"Good timing," he murmured wryly.

Moving the requisite stone into place she closed her eyes and waited- not for long, though. That usual, curious yet brief sense of dislocation occurred, and she steadied herself when she reopened her eyes. It was a complete instantaneous transfer, she knew, but it always felt as though it took a moment for her senses to catch up. She studied her hands, the first thing she saw. _A French manicure?_ Gosh, how long had that been? Caucasian. She looked at the mirror; brunette, oval face, dark eyes. Quite attractive. Military, too; 2nd Lieutenant. She became aware of someone speaking to her and she looked up at the MP beside her- it took a moment to decipher his words, and when she did she felt a flutter in her belly.

"…four hours as you know. Everything has been arranged, we'll drop you at the house and then wait outside for you. She's been briefed, but as far as I'm aware the children haven't. Do you have any questions before we leave?"

"No. That's great." She took a deep breath. "I'll need to stop at a McGinny's on the way, though- the kids love their candy," the medic explained, rising carefully to her feet.

"Of course. This way."

The drive was uneventful and over quickly. TJ spent the duration staring out the window at the world she had left behind. Apartment blocks gave way to houses, parks and trees, and everywhere there were people. It felt like a lifetime since she'd last seen such stunning greens, and she was mesmerized. _It'll be fall soon, _she realised sadly. _I'll miss the first leaf fall._ Lost in her surroundings, she didn't realise they had stopped until a hand touched her shoulder.

"Ma'am?" she pulled herself back.

"Thank you. I'll see you in four hours." Without waiting for a reply, she was out the door. Now that she was here her nervousness was secondary; her pace sped up and as the front door opened she was almost running, flinging herself into her sister's arms and holding tight._ Don't let me go…_ After a moment arms she knew so well wrapped about her and a cheek settled against her hair. She was losing the battle against her tears as Michelle drew her inside, shutting the door with a foot and guiding her into the sitting room.

"TJ?" the voice was tremulous and disbelieving. She sniffed and wiped her eyes, pulling away to settle on the old familiar couch- she went to draw her feet up beneath her and stopped.

"Sorry, you're forever telling me not to wear shoes in the house." She began to unlace them, distantly aware that her sister was still standing there watching her. "Yeah, it's me. I know it's hard to believe, I really do." She looked up at her, vision slightly hazy through her tears but clear enough to read the doubt in the older woman's eyes. Finished, she tucked her feet up and pulled a packet from her pocket.

"I brought McGinny's Special." Her sister rolled her eyes in exasperation and she gave a watery giggle. "Oh, Mica, you are _such_ a suburban mom!"

"TJ…" and Michelle was beside her on the couch, embracing her with a fierceness that made the tears flow anew, and she clung to her in desperation, wishing her big sister could make it all better.

"So, you're on a _spaceship_. Seriously?" Came the question when they had both calmed enough to breathe. "That's one hell of a deployment!"

"Actually," she blew her nose on a proffered tissue. "I _was_ based on another planet. The spaceship came after." Pale blue eyes went wide, and an elegant hand rose to brush back the short dark blonde bob. The medic chuckled.

"This is…wow. I can't believe it. It's crazy. Am I crazy? Feels like it. That's really you in there, and you're stuck on an alien spaceship. Oh, my little Tammy. Talk to me?"

And she did. Time flowed as she caught her sister up on as much as she could; as always there were a number of things she couldn't tell her, but she skirted as close as she was able, well aware that her sister was smart enough to put some of the pieces together. She was proved correct a number of times when the light of understanding lit her eyes, and she would give a soft hiss or a gasp of comprehension. It was so _wonderful_ just to be able to speak to someone about all this, and she unburdened herself as much as she dared, the weight lifting from her and freeing her soul. She felt worn out and elated when she finished, and they sat there in comfortable silence.

"And what aren't you telling me?" She snorted as TJ twisted her fingers, "I know you _way_ too well, baby girl. Spill." She didn't have the strength to stop herself.

"I'm pregnant."

"You're..? Oh my God. Tamara? _Pregnant?" _Michelle gave the most undignified squeal, and tackled her younger sister. "Oh my God! I'm gonna be an aunt! Congratulations! You don't look happy. Oh, TJ, you don't want it?"

"No!" she interrupted, "I mean, yes I want it, don't think that, it's just… it's not looking good. We don't have a lot of food, we rarely get off the ship, and we don't have any useful medical systems. What chance do we have? I'm a medic, Mica; I know exactly what that sort of environment means for a newborn. I'm frightened so bad I can't think straight, and when I do think I cry. No one else knows about it, and I can't tell anyone."

"Wait, that's why you resigned, isn't it? The dad doesn't know? Oh, Tammy, it's not…it is, isn't it? Oh baby girl, what were you thinking?"

"I wasn't! And how is it only my fault? Why do I get the blame? _He's _the one who's married!" she barely registered her sister's eyes widening. "_He _sought me out! It's not like this was planned. He wasn't ever meant to know, I didn't want him involved. He made his choice and it wasn't me, but I wasn't surprised. I didn't _expect_ him to pick me. I wouldn't have expected anything from him, and now I'm stuck with him! Mica, I don't know what to do!" She finished with a plaintive wail.

"Shhhh, it's okay. I'm not blaming you, promise." She gripped TJ's hands, and the younger woman fought to bring herself under control. "Oh, Tams, this is a mess, isn't it? It'll work out, Okay? Don't go borrowing trouble for a start. Right. Make sure you eat whatever's offered you. Hell, steal it if you have to- yes, steal," she qualified at her sisters' horrified expression. "Don't be stupid, you're feeding two. They can go shove it. Would they rather their only medic fell ill?" TJ thought of Michael Burge and his concern, the same worry she had seen reflected in Vanessa's eyes. _No, not anyone would want that._ Her sister must have realised her train of thought, for she snorted and gave a firm nod. "Thank God you're seeing sense. You're too nice too often, baby girl. Okay. You need a couple of close girl friends you can talk to. Don't rush, sound them out carefully. Be savvy. You shouldn't be carrying this alone, it'll eat you up inside, and the stress will make you sick. You need to stop panicking, we can work this out."

She felt like crying again, but with relief and gratitude this time. This is what she'd needed. Someone sensible to help unpick the mess of threads that had become her life. Someone with a level head who could step back and see the bigger picture her own terror had blinded her to. Someone who loved her unconditionally and had her best interest at heart.

"He's gonna find out sooner or later, you know, but that can wait till you've got your head screwed on. For now- eat, sleep and de-stress. Now, the kids'll be home soon. Let's get you some practice!"

TJ laughed, then squeezed her sister's hands.

"You must promise not to tell mom. If the worst _does _happen, she doesn't need to know."

"She's stronger than you think, Tamara. We both are. Don't feel like you have to do all this by yourself, coz you don't. Stop trying to protect everyone else; it'll only hurt _all_ of us in the end. I won't tell her, but I think you should. Trust her? Okay, you got," she checked her watch, "about 10 minutes before two Tasmanian Devils come tearing through that door. Go freshen up."

"Yes, Ma'am!" The medic quipped, pushing herself to her feet and making her way up stairs. She could hear Michelle pottering in the kitchen, humming cheerfully. Making her way into the bathroom, she quickly washed her face, scrubbing against the red cheeks. Staring at her reflection she realised with a start that she could more easily recognise the person staring out at her in this foreign body than she could in her own. _Maybe it's just the relief. An easing. I feel more like me than I have in forever. Why was I so scared to tell her?_

She took a moment to let her feet carry her around the rooms she knew so well, nearly as well as her own. Sitting on her sister's bed, she revelled in the feel of soft cotton sheets beneath her fingers, and stared absently out the window, taking the moment to enjoy the feel of sunlight against her skin. It was a gorgeous day. She could hear bird through the open window, and she closed her eyes sinking into the warmth.

The sound of the door slamming made her jump, and she was on her feet and moving to the door as the echoes of children joyfully greeting their mother drifted to her ears. Making her way down the stairs, she paused at the bottom and watched as Michelle chivvied her two out of the bags and shoes, peeling off light summer jackets whilst they fidgeted and bounced around, never still. TJ listened as they regaled her with tales of their day, each vying to outdo the other, and with a fierce pang she realised, _I want this._ Catching her sister's eye, Michelle began hushing them,

"We have a guest. Go say hello." They hopped around to face her, and for the briefest of moments the watched her with the direct, heavy contemplation that only children could manage, then they were bounding towards her.

"Do you know Aunt TeeJee?"

"Where are you from?"

"What's your name?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Ah, one at a time, you two!" A voice drifted from the kitchen. They paused, and she became the focus of two intense pairs of eyes.

"Yes, I know your Aunt, we're very good friends, actually. My name is Amanda, and I've come up from Loxley. Now, your Aunt misses you fiercely, and she's rather scared you've forgotten her-"

They interrupted with loud and boisterous cries of denial.

"No? She'll be so pleased to hear that." TJ smiled. "Well, just to make sure you don't forget who your favourite Aunt is, she's asked me to give you something…" and she pulled from her pocket the candies. Their whoops hurt her ears, and thin arms and shouts of thanks made her eyes prickle with unshed tears. Two quick kisses and they were gone, running to show their mother. She smiled again.

Yeah, definitely not so scary, after all.

- - - - o - - - -

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Hope you liked :) bit of TJ family fluff, some hurt/comfort.

As to Rush's accent- I had thought it was just my imagination, but I read a couple of posts on GW which agree that his accent has changed slightly through the series. I know it's definitely a lot stronger in real life, and that he's moderated it for SGU, and maybe that's beginning to be reflected in the series. I don't know. Maybe we're imagining it! Anyone else?


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